Two for Tea
by starmoony
Summary: SR friendship fic. Sirius confronts Remus about being the spy, and finds something he doesn't expect. Please R
1. two for tea

Two for Tea

Disclaimer: Don't own any characters. If I owned Sirius and Remus, I'm pretty sure I would be running through the streets screaming about it and holding parades in their honour.

A/N: Kind of a random fic written in a style that I saw and tried (I hope not too painfully badly) to imitate. I'm planning to write two chapters and leave it at that. Reviews keep me warm and fuzzy on these cold...er...August nights.

I knew what the dingy staircase led to. At the top of the steps, there would be a cheerful, Gryffindor red door. Behind it would be a small but immaculate flat. Inside the flat would be Remus Lupin. I braced myself and rang the bell.

The red door swung open, framing a man with a kind face and tawny hair just beginning to streak with silver. Remus smiled, a soft, gentle smile that he saved just for us. Just for his friends. _How duplicitous._

"Hello, Sirius. It's been far too long."

_Too long since you received new information?_ "Hello."

"Would you like to come in?" He stepped back from the doorway, gesturing towards the cheerfully crackling warmth of his sitting room hearth.

_This better not be a trap._ "Alright."

"Cup of tea?" He asked over his shoulder as he walked into the small kitchen.

_As long as it's not poisoned._ "Fine."

"Are you prepared for Halloween tomorrow?" He asked nervously as he placed a steaming mug before me and another before himself.

_You should be nervous; whatever you're planning won't work._ "As prepared as we can be."

Remus shook his head. "I just can't believe they're plotting anything against James and Lily. How anyone could want to harm them or little Harry is beyond me."

_Is it really? Why should you mention James and Lily now? How dare you try to talk about them with me? How dare you pretend to be concerned about them? I won't tell you anything for you to relay to your master._ "Yes, it's terrible."

"I hope they'll be alright."

_Don't you already know how they'll be? What are you planning to do to them, Remus?_ "I do too."

"Sirius," he slams down his mug, frustrated with me now.

_You may have fooled everyone, even me until now, but Peter told me what he saw you do. Peter told me, and now I don't know why I didn't see it before. I can't believe I let you fool me this way._ "What?"

"Why have you been acting so differently lately? Have I done something wrong?" He looks hurt now. So hurt. I've only seen him look at me like this once before.

_I have to act this way. I have to hate you. I can't treat you the way I always have, like Moony. You aren't Moony anymore._ "I know."

He blinks, staring at me blankly. "Know what?"

_Very funny, Remus, but the time for games is past. You aren't Moony anymore. You're the traitor._ "I know your secret."

He doesn't pale, doesn't flinch away in fear. Just keeps staring. "Of course you do. You've known since our first year at Hogwarts."

_Stop pretending. It hurts more to see you pretending than it does to see you transform. I know. It's over. Don't lie to me._ "Your other secret."

"I don't know what you're talking about."

_So civil. So kind and mature and brave. You're being polite to me. Polite and patient just like always. But it's not just like always because you aren't Moony anymore. You're the traitor. You can be civil; you can keep up your pretenses._ I don't have to. I upend the table, and your two best mugs lay shattered, staining your carpet the ugly brown of our tea. The last remnants of our civil conversation. "I hate you!"

"Why? I don't understand!" The hurt is back, and fear is there too, but only for a moment. He can only be hurt for a moment before he hides behind the mask of his neutral expression again.

_You're used to wearing a mask, aren't you Remus? Used to hiding things from your friends. Such a good English gentleman by day, doing whatever you can, making the most of your life. But I know what you become at night. You're an evil dark creature. I was never afraid of Moony, though. I loved Moony, because even if he was a dark creature he was smart and refined and loyal, so desperately loyal. I'm afraid of you. I hate you. You aren't even close to Moony. You're the traitor._ "I never thought it would be you."

"What are you talking about?" There is the tiniest hint of steel in his voice. He is angry. He has to use anger to hide his hurt.

_But I know you too well, traitor. I can get past your anger. I can still hurt you. I can hurt you so much that you'll stay away from now on. I can hurt you so that you never come back. I can cut through those masks and that armor and stab you right between the ribs. I would never hurt Moony this way. You aren't Moony, though._ "We hate you. Everyone hates you. I've been trying to tell you for weeks. We want you to stay away from us, this war is too hard to fight without worrying about whether or not you're a spy, _werewolf_."

It is easy to see the exact moment when he realizes what has been said. He turns his face away, and takes in a breath sharply as though he has just been punched in the stomach. From the look on his face, I can tell that part of him really has been killed. "Leave then, if you hate me so much."

_You're just the same. You hold your head high when you're insulted, like a gentleman. I don't have to be a gentleman, I can kick you while you're down. I have to. It's the only way to save James and Lily. I would do anything to keep them safe, I'm sorry Remus._ "I warned you, you monster."

He sits, staring at the tea staining the white carpet with the carefully guarded expression he wears when he wants to cry. Only his eyes betray him, they are pleading, begging me to tell him that it's only a sick joke. I hate myself for wanting to.

I turn away and leave the house. My mission was successful, I told him the lie I came here to tell, Lily and James would be safe. He thought everyone was afraid of him, and suspected him as the spy because he was a werewolf. His weakest point, something beyond his control. Now he knew that we suspected him, without knowing how much he had given away. He didn't know what Peter had seen.

I felt disgusted, but in a different way than I expected. Yes, I hated him for being the spy. But traitor or not, he was Moony. I hated myself for hurting Moony.

I promised myself that the next day would be better. The next day I would look back and know that I had done the right thing. The next day, Lily and James died.

Moony's heartbroken expression would haunt me for twelve years.

A/N: Wow, sorry I made Sirius so mean. But the next chapter will be MUCH more pleasant I promise. Once again, reviews are lovely!


	2. you're here now

Two for Tea Again

A/N: Wow, thank you SO much to the reviewers!!! (Blows kisses, throws Snape into the crowd) How would I live without you people?! Well, thank goodness for you, you've made me post the next chapter a week earlier than anticipated. Hope very much that you like it. Reviews are, again, always appreciated times a thousand. Thanks again!

Takes place when Sirius goes to lie low at Lupin's after the events of book four.

The cottage in Kent was much more cheerful than I imagined. It was my first time seeing the humble abode, but I already felt as though I knew it well. Through the arch of fuchsia blooms there stood a cheerful Ravenclaw blue door. Behind it would be a shabby but ridiculously well kept house. Inside the house would be Remus Lupin. I braced myself, and pawed at the bell.

The blue door swung open, framing a man I used to know. He looked worn by time, far older than I remembered him, but he managed to drag up a tired, guarded smile. A smile that had been ravaged by despairs and pain. _All my fault._

"Hello, Snuffles. It's been a while."

_Too long since you've had someone that cares about you._ I barked in reply.

"Won't you come in?" He stepped back from the doorway to reveal a warm, homey looking kitchen with food on the stove that I had started smelling a mile away.

_I don't deserve your kindness._ Another bark.

"I've made you dinner," he said, turning away from me, not meeting my eyes as I returned to my least favourite form.

_I didn't expect you to want to see me._ "Thank you, you didn't have to."

"Of course I did. You've been running about eating rats for an entire year. It must have been a while since you had anything proper to eat," he said, giving me what James and I used to call his "look of fatherly concern" over the steaming bowl of stew he set before me.

_Don't be concerned about me. I know this is next week's dinner for you._ "It smells delicious."

Remus shook his head. "It's the best I could do. Anyway, tell me how Harry is doing. What happened at the tournament must have really frightened the poor boy."

_How can you talk to me about Harry? How can you pretend that everything is normal when I know that nothing will ever be normal between us again? How can you live with me after what I did?_ _I wish that I could make things right._ "Yes, he was very disturbed by what happened. But I expect he'll have time to recover with his aunt and uncle."

"I hope he'll be alright."

_I hope you'll be alright. How far will you go to protect everyone now that a war is starting?_ "So do I."

"Sirius," he says softly, staring at me over his teacup, his amber eyes glimmering in the firelight. He doesn't mean to continue our conversation about Harry.

_What else is there to say to me, Remus? I know that we can never be friends. It won't ever be the way it was before. But when you hugged me in the Shrieking Shack I thought... _"Yes?"

"You can't go blaming yourself for what happened." He looks miserable. I've only seen this misery on his face twice before.

_I don't think you're talking about the TriWizard Tournament. But you can't be alluding to everything that's happened. Of course it's my fault, there isn't anyone else to blame._ "I know."

He looks worried now, and reaches out a hand to touch my shoulder. "Are you sure?"

_Very funny, Remus. But we both know that what I did is inexcusable. There's no hope, I can't be your Padfoot any longer._ "Of course I am."

He shakes his head; he obviously knows that I'm lying. Moony always knew when we lied. "You were like this at Hogwarts too. Beating yourself up for things you didn't do. There was a war. You did what you thought you had to...James and Lily...they wouldn't have wanted you to carry on like this."

_The names scald me. Please Moony, if you have any mercy for me left, don't pretend to forgive me. It only makes me remember the way we used to be. I can't be Padfoot. There is no Padfoot without his friends. Padfoot had Marauders and now they're gone. All my fault. _"I'm sorry."

"Don't be, you haven't anything to apologise for."

_Forgiving, kind, always a gentleman. You can scream at me, Remus. You can throw teacups at me. I don't care, I wish you would. I know you hate me, so for God's sake why don't you act like it? Forget to be a gentleman for once. _I realize that I have upended the tiny table by falling to the ground, sobbing. I think of how I've wasted the dinner he so painstakingly saved for me, spilled it all over his shiny hardwood floor. "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry."

"Why? I don't understand." His voice is just above a whisper as he walks calmly around the remains of our dinner and sits on the floor beside me. He puts a comforting hand on my shaking shoulders and looks at me with those penetrating amber eyes. Eyes I had never been able to conceal anything from.

_The mask is there. The soft, compassionate mask that reins Moony inside. I know that Moony is fighting to get out. He wants to rip me to pieces. I wish he would. Moony deserves to, he was better than me. Moony was good, he was loyal and faithful until the very end. It was Padfoot...Sirius that turned out bad. That became the traitor. _"James and Lily. They're really gone."

He takes in a breath sharply, and looks away, but not before I see that his eyes are also full of tears. He wipes them away briskly, pretending to be rubbing his forehead in thought. "Yes. Yes, they're gone. I suppose it must still be a new wound for you. The pain has dulled over the years for me."

_Remus. I've been to hell and returned to find that everyone I love is gone. Everyone but you. Don't you see Remus? I could spend the rest of my life in hell if I only had your forgiveness. But I can see how mentioning Lily and James has affected you. You'll never forgive me. Why should you? I don't deserve it._ "Wasn't it hard? To go on living, I mean."

He hesitates. "At first. I always wished that I could have someone else that knew what it felt like. To lose all their friends. But...you're here with me now. I know how it feels, Sirius. I can help you. If you ever need me, all you need do is ask."

_You mean it. I've seen you mean things often enough to be able to tell when you're saying them out of obligation. But why? How can you forgive me for what I did to James and Lily. What I did to you. I know that I'll never forgive myself._ "I don't...I don't ever want anything from you except your forgiveness, Remus. I'm going to spend the rest of my life making it up to you and Harry. I know I haven't earned it, I don't deserve it, but I'll work so hard to prove to you—"

He cuts me off abruptly. "You don't need to prove anything, Padfoot. We've both suffered so much. More often than not at each other's hands. Now we have each other, let's both be allowed to enjoy the good company."

I remember we spent the evening reminiscing. It was a happy time for us both. When I left the house a few days later, I felt that many of my precious memories of the four uproarious boys and the kind girl had been restored.

I promised myself that from that moment on, I would make things better. I would save Harry and Remus every pain that I could.

The year that followed was not the best of my life, but by no means the worst, and throughout it Moony's bittersweet smile hung over me. Reminding me that there were those who had seen far worse and could still retain their tender and warmhearted temperaments.

It was a shame I never got to make good on my promise.

A/N: I hope this wasn't redundant. I did the best I could to keep with the same format and make the second chapter different. Anyway, hope very much that you enjoyed. Reviews are nice (sorry to keep reminding you).


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